OK, parents, how can we modify our behavior so that we don't "exasperate" our children, per the commandment mentioned in the last blog? I've noted that we cannot help getting older unless we
a) die
b) don't get born
c) go into a cryogenic storage unit and get frozen for a few hundred years.
But there are some things we can do, and some things we should not do.
Examine our behavior, especially when the children are young. Ask for outside observations from people who are trustworthy and who are non-abusive. If we are abusing our children physically, sexually or emotionally -- get the help we need to STOP doing so. Now. Abusive behavior is a form of bullying, and our children should not tolerate it and we must not tolerate it in ourselves.
Listen to ourselves. If we have been telling the same old stories over and over -- STOP. If we don't know any other stories, share observations about the news, get involved in here-and-now activities that give us something to talk about (new stories that we WILL NOT repeat over and over), or just learn to enjoy listening to our children. We do not have to talk so much.
If we have been ridiculing them in any way, especially in front of others, STOP.
Don't play favorites. If we have more than one child, treat each as an individual, but don't "like" one more than another. Don't even give the impression that they have to compete for your love, your attention, or your help.
Be present to your children. Put the smart phone away (maybe even turn it off). Have at least breakfast and dinner together at least five days a week. Seven days a week is better. Leave the iPad or iPod aside so you can pay attention, listen, observe, and interact.
As the children mature, give them more and more input into the ways the family spends it time -- vacations, days off, after school, etc. While kids should have personal time, having to always to go the beach for vacation may be getting old. Who wants to go to the mountains, or to a city that will be new to all of us, or just stay home and explore our own area?
What do you think? What can we do to fail? Fail to exasperate our children? Leave your comment and let us know.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Honor Your Father and Mother - 4
What must fathers and mothers do to honor their children? In Ephesians (6:4) the apostle Paul writes, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Let's kick this off from that perspective.
My first premise is this: all parents exasperate their children, at least by the time the children are teenagers. This continues for the rest of their lives. If it was true during the first century, C.E., it's even more true now.
The music my mother loved was s o o o o different from the music I loved. The assumptions about reality my father had were so out of step with the assumptions a young adult in the 1950's was able to have. The assumptions I live by, even though I work to live the "examined life" and change with the changes in my environment are immensely different than the assumptions my children have about living and being successful.
That's one point.
The other is this: as we parents decline physically simply by getting older, we begin to repeat ourselves. We find ourselves depressed when we are required to retire. We aren't as much fun to be around in the ways we were when we were younger.
Some of us drool. Some of us forget things. Some of us don't hear as well. You get the picture. For the go-get-up young adult, this is exasperating! "God!" she thinks, "I can't stand to be around my [mother] [father] [grandma] [grandpa].
Sorry, kids. Just as you couldn't help being young when you were born, parents can't help being old when they age.
Suck it up.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
My first premise is this: all parents exasperate their children, at least by the time the children are teenagers. This continues for the rest of their lives. If it was true during the first century, C.E., it's even more true now.
The music my mother loved was s o o o o different from the music I loved. The assumptions about reality my father had were so out of step with the assumptions a young adult in the 1950's was able to have. The assumptions I live by, even though I work to live the "examined life" and change with the changes in my environment are immensely different than the assumptions my children have about living and being successful.
That's one point.
The other is this: as we parents decline physically simply by getting older, we begin to repeat ourselves. We find ourselves depressed when we are required to retire. We aren't as much fun to be around in the ways we were when we were younger.
Some of us drool. Some of us forget things. Some of us don't hear as well. You get the picture. For the go-get-up young adult, this is exasperating! "God!" she thinks, "I can't stand to be around my [mother] [father] [grandma] [grandpa].
Sorry, kids. Just as you couldn't help being young when you were born, parents can't help being old when they age.
Suck it up.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Faith and Fantasy
As I wondered about obsession and people who obsess, I began to think about mild obsessions. The examples that came to mind include:
For some people, going to a therapist is de rigeur. Most of us, however, avoid couselors and therapist. When a person has one or more mild obsessions, it could be useful to talk with someone in a counseling or therapeutic role about your behavior and your feelings. If you are compulsive about vitamins, however, talking with a GNC rep or a vitamin store rep is not probably the best kind of counselor to help you get an objective, helpful point of view.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
- being sure one eats only vegetables
- being sure to take the "right" supplements several times a day
- exercising excessively when you aren't a sports figure, or in training for something like a marathon
- behaving in such a way as to be sure to only be "friends" with the "right people"
- compulsively trying to look younger than one is
- needing the TV on all the time
- needing to be on the phone all the time
- needing to text all the time
- needing to blog all the time
For some people, going to a therapist is de rigeur. Most of us, however, avoid couselors and therapist. When a person has one or more mild obsessions, it could be useful to talk with someone in a counseling or therapeutic role about your behavior and your feelings. If you are compulsive about vitamins, however, talking with a GNC rep or a vitamin store rep is not probably the best kind of counselor to help you get an objective, helpful point of view.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Honor your Father and Mother - 3
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Respect/honor your father and mother by communicating. Can you be clear? You do not do well to psychoanalyze your parent, but respect means clear communication. It's not just about what bugs you about your parent. It is also what you value.
Did you parent torment you by making you learn to play the piano? Maybe so, and maybe the time comes when you can say so. But has there been value in your life because you learned music, or learned to memorize better, or learned self-discipline? Can you communicate verbally, in writing, or via a video, with your parent(s)? It is a way of honoring that parent.
Is your parent currently bothering you. "I can't stand to be around my dad!" you scream so that your kids and the whole neighborhood can hear you. Does your father have any idea what he does that bugs you? Saying, "You know what this is about!" and clamming up is not only no help, it is a way of dishonoring and disrespecting him.
Be clear. Be reasonably unemotional (no screaming, shouting, finger-pointing). Be useful when you communicate.
You might have to make it "about you". But honoring your parent is about the parent and the social community as well as about you. It is never just about you.
If you have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces -- close friends and godparent(s) -- they are living proof that it is not just "about you". You live in a social environment, a community, and even if you did not choose it, respect/honor says you acknowledge that all these people are
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Respect/honor your father and mother by communicating. Can you be clear? You do not do well to psychoanalyze your parent, but respect means clear communication. It's not just about what bugs you about your parent. It is also what you value.
Did you parent torment you by making you learn to play the piano? Maybe so, and maybe the time comes when you can say so. But has there been value in your life because you learned music, or learned to memorize better, or learned self-discipline? Can you communicate verbally, in writing, or via a video, with your parent(s)? It is a way of honoring that parent.
Is your parent currently bothering you. "I can't stand to be around my dad!" you scream so that your kids and the whole neighborhood can hear you. Does your father have any idea what he does that bugs you? Saying, "You know what this is about!" and clamming up is not only no help, it is a way of dishonoring and disrespecting him.
Be clear. Be reasonably unemotional (no screaming, shouting, finger-pointing). Be useful when you communicate.
You might have to make it "about you". But honoring your parent is about the parent and the social community as well as about you. It is never just about you.
If you have brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces -- close friends and godparent(s) -- they are living proof that it is not just "about you". You live in a social environment, a community, and even if you did not choose it, respect/honor says you acknowledge that all these people are
- real
- important
- active
- involved.
What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Honor Your Father and Mother - 2
Remember -- your comment is valued. Leave a comment, and sign up for an email notification when a new entry is posted.
What might it look like in a transient, fast-moving society like ours to "honor/respect your father and mother"?
I suppose we must generalize and speak of three or four ways you can respect even a parent who doesn't deserve respect. But first -- remember the post on "Love". I believe the New Testament concept promoted by Jesus of Nazareth to "Love your neighbor" and "Love your enemy" means, primarly, a "profound, compassionate respect". First Corinthians 13, verses 4 - 8a describe this behavior. Thus "Honoring" even a non-deserving parent is no different than obeying Jesus to agape' your fellow believer, neighbor or enemy as you would agape' yourself.
Oh, darn! Why did following Jesus get in this mix?
At least this takes "liking" your parent, or neighbor, or enemy, or even yourself, out of the equation. It may be much to late to "like" or "feel friendly towards" or even "want to spend time with" the person whom we respect.
First, listen. Listen to what they say, and listen to what they are. To paraphrase my brother in law, "My parent is what she/he is."
The list could go on. My parent is what she/he is. Respect means listening to what the parent or parents have become.
Second, listen for how the parent(s) got there. Were they damaged in a war zone? Hurt by a spouse failing to return from battle? Abandoned by a spouse or parent? Laid off during a recession with no chance to appeal? Hit by a drunken driver? Are you respecting this person or these persons by listening for causes you cannot even imagine living through?
Third, listen for hopes and dreams, most of which are unrealized. Disappointment can warp and twist a person. Has disappointment, or a sequence of disappointments, impacted your parent's way of seeing the world? You may think you would have responded very differently (and maybe you would have, given the opportunities your parent provided for you, but respect means listening with ears, emotions and empathy.
You still don't have to like your parent(s) but are you respecting/honoring them by listening?
Leave a comment and let us know what you think, and what you are experiencing.
What might it look like in a transient, fast-moving society like ours to "honor/respect your father and mother"?
I suppose we must generalize and speak of three or four ways you can respect even a parent who doesn't deserve respect. But first -- remember the post on "Love". I believe the New Testament concept promoted by Jesus of Nazareth to "Love your neighbor" and "Love your enemy" means, primarly, a "profound, compassionate respect". First Corinthians 13, verses 4 - 8a describe this behavior. Thus "Honoring" even a non-deserving parent is no different than obeying Jesus to agape' your fellow believer, neighbor or enemy as you would agape' yourself.
Oh, darn! Why did following Jesus get in this mix?
At least this takes "liking" your parent, or neighbor, or enemy, or even yourself, out of the equation. It may be much to late to "like" or "feel friendly towards" or even "want to spend time with" the person whom we respect.
First, listen. Listen to what they say, and listen to what they are. To paraphrase my brother in law, "My parent is what she/he is."
- Alcoholic.
- Sick.
- Aging.
- Failing.
- Confused.
- Successful.
- Learning.
- Incomplete.
- Addicted.
- Compulsive.
- Bossy
- Kind
- Generous
- Manipulative
- Hospitable
The list could go on. My parent is what she/he is. Respect means listening to what the parent or parents have become.
Second, listen for how the parent(s) got there. Were they damaged in a war zone? Hurt by a spouse failing to return from battle? Abandoned by a spouse or parent? Laid off during a recession with no chance to appeal? Hit by a drunken driver? Are you respecting this person or these persons by listening for causes you cannot even imagine living through?
Third, listen for hopes and dreams, most of which are unrealized. Disappointment can warp and twist a person. Has disappointment, or a sequence of disappointments, impacted your parent's way of seeing the world? You may think you would have responded very differently (and maybe you would have, given the opportunities your parent provided for you, but respect means listening with ears, emotions and empathy.
You still don't have to like your parent(s) but are you respecting/honoring them by listening?
Leave a comment and let us know what you think, and what you are experiencing.
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